[HELEN, spoken]

You know, it does do something, that's impressive

[MAYOR, spoken]

You're kidding, wow

[ASHLEY, spoken]

Yep, and we're just getting started

[ASHLEY] (BITSY)

Convincing this city to like this old biddy

Is the hard job I'm here to do

Now, as we've established

You smile like a catfish

And your resting face looks like

You're taking a poo

The Strangler outpolled you

In case no one told you

That's what's called losing the race

So before the hard-hitting

The first step's admitting

New York doesn't like your face

First up, Bitsy Brandenham

Twitter, TikTok, Instagram

The Big Apple thinks you're the pits

(I don't need to)

Bitsy, listen to this

They think you're shysty

(I'm flirty and feisty)

That's just the Long Island iced tea

(With Bloody Mary mix)

It's not okay

What the bloody mayor is trying to say

Is New York doesn't like your face

They spit you out because they've got New Yorkers' taste

They look at you and smell a rat

And they had enough of those

No one can stand you

We've got to rebrand you

New haircut, heritage, pronouns, clothes

Aesthetically, it's looking bleak

Haute couture should make you pop

Sit front row at Fashion Week

Then tweak the pictures with Photoshop

All we need is one good public stunt

With just the perfect words

That will lead New Yorkers to accept the little polished turd

New York doesn't like your face

We've got to give them something better to embrace

Devise a plan to make them stand you

That's what it's all about

Bitsy, it's the only way to cultivate the clout

Haven't you ever wondered, dear

Why your staff all carry cans of Mace?

New York doesn't like your face