[Verse 1: Eminem]

You claim if you get knocked by the cops

You'll give 'em not even a statement

Walk in the arraignment

Shoot the bailiff, karate kick the plaintiff

Gotti with the stainless

I'll just call it shoddy entertainment

If y'all was in the party gettin' faded

On molly, had the audience sedated

You wouldn't catch a body if it fainted

Probably let it fall and hit the pavement

But you'd be the first lobbyin' to claim it

Bitch, stop bein' a lame

Your hobby isn’t robbery and dismemberin' body limbs

Like you was Tommy Lynn Sells

And chainsawin' them in the basement

Hardly fits your job description, ain't nobody dippin'

Out the back of the club like, "Oh my God, he's trippin'!"

Only time you get the blade is

Probably with the dang lawn equipment, ain't it?

Wouldn't take a bobby pin and wave it

I need to stop bein' debated

You're still copyin', Xeroxing

I'm still coppin' a feel

Like Bill Cosby at will, poppin' a pill

Then spill Oxys in Jill's coffee

Then send her out to the hotel lobby

A lil' wobbly and still groggy

This blond fuck's reprehensible

Misconducts, never sensible

Kiss my butt, my set of principles

Is gone, but 'til I get the President to respond

My pen and pencil is a missile launcher

And Senator Mitch McConnell’s

Just as big of a bitch as Donald—

Shit's on, bruh! (Ha-ha)

Let me sing this shit soprano

While I do it pizzicato

Ivanka, stiff-arm her while I'm hittin' on Melania

And this song's for all ya

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]

'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me

They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)

And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt

But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)

You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up

'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)

'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up

'Til everybody eats my turds

[Verse 2: Eminem & Paul Rosenberg]

These drums and hard snares bring out the worst in me

Like Justin Ross Harris at a nursery

Goin' ham at candy yam

On nanny cam, I'm gettin' handies with the zanny Xannys

In the Caddy armrest, I'm imaginin' objects

So I'm battin' cobwebs from a daddy longleg

In Hamtramck

Got the panoramic camera

Xanax, a banana hammock and a Santa hat

I'm smellin' like a damn mechanic

With a chick that looks like Janet Jackson with a Spanish accent

Twice her age and I'm actin' half it (Ha-ha)

Grow up?

Nah, not that I know of, y'all

Basement just got a frickin' overhaul

Got a stripper pole installed

Started rollin' all through those Klonopins

Like a bowlin' ball

Like an overdose on twice the ratio of Propofol

And go through no withdrawal

While I get fellatio and give a facial to

An interracial blow-up doll of Rachel Dolezal

You're so appalled (Em…)

So's my manager

Bitch, I amateur, fuck a pro career

Coast is clear, but nowhere to go from here

And nobody's close so don't compare

They ain't nowhere near, I'm way over here

My competition can't see me—

'Cause I don't own a mirror!

But, Marshall, you are terrific

So smart and gifted

I'm so narcissistic, when I fart I sniff it

Do a fake dab to smell my armpits, whiff it

Your anxiety's throwin' gang signs

But I made strides with these rape lines

I'm cuttin' back on women hate crimes

Like Ray Rice when he FaceTimes

Bang, bang, bang, bang time

Dang knives're butcher than gay wives

You're gonna need sutures the same size

As the blade I push into caput'cha

When I pull 'em like (What?) sleigh rides

Gotta stab a bitch at least eight times

To make it on Dateline

I came to stake my claim like a canine

Waitin' in a buffet line

So, Kellyanne Conway

I'm a really bad hombre

Come play, belly dance on me

I've been makin' wedding plans all day

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]

'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me

They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)

And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt

But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)

You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up

'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)

'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up

'Til everybody eats my turds

[Verse 3: Eminem]

Eight-year-old with the wordplay

Girl, take this pole like a survey

Today wasn't my birthday

But I'm caked up like a dessert tray

So we're in shape

'Cause you're in a slurrin' state

I’m a 10, you’re an eight (Urinate)

Like what I do before, after, and durin' rape!

You wanna get into a pissin' contest

And find out who's better?

And be made a fool out of when I pull on 'em?

R. Kelly with a full bladder (R. Kelly with a full bladder)

Non-high school grad, I'm not a scholar

But I'm so cold when I'm droppin' knowledge

My degrees is the same as I got in college (Zero)

But nobody's hotter, you owe me my respect

I owe you nada like Haloti, partner

Blow me, told you I'm so dirty, homie, you can throw me

In some holy water, with some floaties on

And get the soap and try to get the Pope to hold me

While you hose me off and, nope, I won't be washed

You hope to God I don't explode

I gotta blow this spot up though, I got a lotta mo'

I won't put the sugar coating on it though

'Cause sometimes you can feel like your energy's expired

Rap's got you drained

Dead tired, zapped

You feel like a wet pile of crap

But look, man, like the feds buggin' my phone (Uh-huh)

I get why you're tapped

"But you gotta get your fire back

Catch fire, get upset and fire back!"

Is what I tell myself

When times get bad

'Cause sometimes I might get sad

But I take the same advice I had

And tell myself like I used to tell Hailie

When life's a drag

Told her to do like her dad:

Don't cry, get mad!

'Cause little baby powders

Belong in diaper bags

I'm hyper, by the time you see this side of me

I'm right in your ass (Sodomy!)

Foot up it, I stood up for the kid

Who had to put up with the bullies at his school (At his school)

You ain't had to have no money

Or go shoppin' just to cop a fuckin' attitude (Attitude)

Now my dough's amountin' to a mountain

That's rised too high to count it

Never asked to be rich, all I did was wish

I had a dime for every time that I was doubted

But then I think about it, then I'm enraged

'Cause I just figured out that if I was paid

For the time I spent to put the pen to the page

It'd be minimum wage (Minimum wage)

But it's embedded in my head I never hunted for the bread and butter

What I wanted was to be the one that they was scared of but

I'm never gonna get the credit for the sweat and blood

I put up in the pen, and when I'm dead I wonder

Will they put me on a pedestal or forget I was ever this incredible?

I guess I better go harder than ever 'cause

I'll never get another motherfuckin' opportunity again

To offend as many people with this, I can simply because I can

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]

'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me

They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)

And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt

But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)

You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up

'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)

'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up

'Til everybody eats my turds