“Austerity measures” are government policies meant to reduce budget deficits. As these measures were implemented across Europe, people protested against them.

“Eurovision” is a European song contest with a… Read More [Robert Foster]

Bonjour! Guten Tag! Γεια σου, or Hello!

This edition we're transmitting direct from the Eurozone

Where the stage is set for civil unrest

As member states compete in The EuroDiVision Contest

On one side, we have the 'Troika', united together

To bail out the banks and balance their side of the ledger

Deploying a plethora of new austerity measures

That have brought poverty and misery to many EU areas

While on the left, we have the general populace

Which has responded to austerity with a chorus of protest

To learn more we get the latest from The EuroDiVision Contest:

Commencing with… - La République hellénique de la Grèce!

[Greek citizen]

Greece in the streets with belief and a molotov cocktail

We’ll defeat these elite policies, the polis will not fail!

But the Euro will, unless Berlin approves another bail out

By the way, the bill for your war crimes needs to be paid now

[Narrator]

Espagne!

[Spanish citizen]

We stand with Greece! Ya basta!

Podemos, we can, be free from this EU disaster

Children are famished, people are homeless. We have to protest

Elites call it chaos. We call this democratic progress

[Narrator]

Irlande!

[Irish citizen]

Austerity here has been JUST as merciless

Job losses, corrupt bosses, cuts to public services

Water double taxed, leaking mass amounts

While the rich slip their riches in Swiss bank accounts

[Greek citizen]

Ehi, Malakas, you owe Greece money, too

In fact, all of the EU must pay a fee whenever they use

The words “Europe” and “Democracy”, or we gonna sue!

It’s all Greek copyright, and the bill is overdue

[Robert Foster]

So we've heard the passionate verbal

Displays of some of the victims which austerity has encircled

Now, to learn what the judges make of that, we turn to

The first arbiter: Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel

[Angela Merkel]

That was just terrible; a drab batch of glandular gurgles

You lack talent, vitality, originality; purpose

Angela Merkel, the Angel of Debt, Bismarck in this bitch

Queen of the Eurozone; holding all the bargaining chips

What is this shit? Especially you Greeks: Arschgeigen!

You want another bailout? First, you need to tighten

Your belts: sell your islands, privatize the Acropolis

And for fick's sake, pay your taxes, I've had enough this!

And Spain! That was lame, you make me smirk

Podemos? 'We can'? Ja, you can… get back to work!

And Ireland, thanks for trying to display your talent

But the chips are down like the potato famine

Listen up Euro-Peons: the social contract is dead

We said austerity was temporary

But instead it’s your new way of life; so just get used to it now

Cheer up: I know how to ruin, I mean run Europe… into the ground

[Robert Foster]

Danke schoen, Frau Merkel. We now join this next

Judge on our panel. To share standpoints with us

We welcome the Marxist theorist, adroit critic

Slovene philosopher and academic, Slavoj Žižek

[Slavoj Žižek]

My God, I have to clap hands

At this Revolutionary potential! It's sensual, erotic, like a lap-dance

In a Freudian kind of way. You know Lacan?

Because all this reminds me of the film 'Batman'

That one where the hero arrives to save our rights

But he is actually a capitalist, dressed in armour like

A fascist, or a feudalist… you know: “the Dark Knight”

And look how they frame the criminals that he starts to fight:

As anarchists, like Joker. Or as activists, like Bane

And so on and so on... And so who is this Bruce Wayne?

Mythologically, you know, he is like a new sort of Hades

Greek God of the Underworld, Lord of the wealthy

And his brother Zeus kidnapped Europa: a Cretan

OK, OK, so the hidden message Hollywood is leaving is clear then:

First: people of Europe, you are all cretins

Second: you must just trust your capitalist rulers

Even if they look like masked fascists and striding tyrants

Because only they can save you from the rising tide of

Crime and violence and spiralling cycle of anarchy

But if we look behind the stupid masks using psychoanalyses

We see the real criminals are the governments and banks

Who have declared a disgusting class war on the welfare state

But the people of Europe have seen the rank scams and imposters

And are in the street saying, “Fuck you, bank-man and robbers”

[Robert Foster]

Hvala, Žižek for that intricate Marxist syllabus

We now cross over dialectically, in search of a synthesis

To the last judge; a person with influence, presently in charge

Of the IMF, Madame Christine Lagarde

[Christine Lagarde]

Bonjour, les esclaves, Ça va?

[Robert Foster]

Uh... Oui... très bon

I love the sex… er... debt-slaves in this competition!

Oh là là! So much pain and moaning, it’s quite the turn on

But I think we need to have a little history lesson:

In Europe you call it 'Austerity' but we have another slogan

For the IMF it’s known as 'Structural Adjustment Programs’

And we just love to impose them

In poor Third World homelands. Check how it goes then:

We lend poor nations money to “assist” their “development”

But first some petites little conditions have to be met:

Step One: Privatisation! Sell ALL public assets

Next: market liberalisation to attract foreign capitalists;

Devaluing their currency and safety standards in their borders

And cutting subsidies for basic needs like fuel, food and water

And once the masses starve and are down on their knees...

Step Three: Watch the riots break out in the streets!

[Robert Foster]

Sounds familiar...

[Christine Lagarde]

What, you don't like that particular game?

Oh, désolée! I didn't hear you ever object or complain

When we did it to others and you had profits to make

[Robert Foster]

But why subject your own citizens to these strictures and pain?

[Christine Lagarde]

Because, mon chéri, this is a pyramid scheme

It’s part of the plan: at first we let you live in the dream

But then it’s your turn to get reamed; so now, s’il vous plaît

Bend over, relax and enjoy this austérité

[Robert Foster]

Merci. Well, we've heard from all sides then… Oh... wait

It seems the EuroDiVision Contest is not quite over yet...

I'm told there is a late arrival, a wild card entry?

It’s hard to see… it’s... a contestant from…

[Narrator]

L’Australie

[King Brown]

Yo I'm dropping in on this competition

To say, on behalf of Indigenous mobs and citizens

That austerity is nothing new to all the people living

Under centuries of European colonial systems. And we’re still in it

But I'm not here to hate on ya, brothers and sisters

I'm here to cheer on your tough resistance

Cuz' mate, we can see that you too have been colonised

Even more than we have, 'coz at least we can recognise it

[Robert Foster]

Should the people protest and elect?

[King Brown]

Yep, but don’t forget:

A system cannot fail those it was never meant to protect

[Robert Foster]

So the solution?

[King Brown]

Forget Occupy. You've done enough of that

Decolonise Europe and do it STAT!

[Narrator]

L’Australie: Douze Points!

[Robert Foster]

And with that message we end our coverage

Of the EuroDivision contest. Thanks to all our guests and judges

We’ve witnessed noble acts of rhetoric and courage

Bold attacks on systemic power structures

So how do we make sense of this current EU crisis?

Is it just economics and budgets? Is there a class war behind it?

Or has colonisation, normally aimed at other nations and continents

Been redeployed against Europe's own populace?

Seeking answers we’ve explored those very narratives

From the streets of Madrid and Frankfurt, to the Kimberleys and Athens

Where austerity advances and History is Happening

Stay tuned for more juice, when Rap News is back again