[FATHER (MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SON, AND GRANDPA)]

Good mornin!

(Good mornin!)

We stand before the journey

That leads us all

To Oregon

(To Oregon)

A pioneer adventure

Down the trail

To Oregon

[MOTHER, DAUGHTER, AND SON (GRANDPA)]

To Oregon! (To Wisconsin!)

[FATHER, spoken]

Grandpa?

[GRANDPA, spoken]

What? My legs hurt.

[FATHER]

By God's command

We dare to land in-

[GRANDPA]

Wisconsin!

[FATHER, spoken]

We're going to Oregon, Grandpa.

[GRANDPA, spoken]

Well, I want to go to Wisconsin!

[FATHER]

The promised land will not wait for us

We leave our home with faith and trust

We'll find the place of our destiny

And spread our family seed

[MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SON, GRANDPA]

We'll find the place of our destiny

And spread our family seed

[FATHER]

Now the show begins...

[ALL]

Aauuhhmm....

[FATHER]

Now our journey begins

In the 1800s

In a little city in Missouri

Before we start

You decide on the names

Of all the people in our wagon party

You must decide who these pioneers are

Are they carpenters or bankers or leavin their farm?

It's time to spin a personal yarn

[MOTHER]

Carefully choose each name

Cause this is more than a game

[ALL]

It's more than a game

Oh, yeah, it's more than a game

No two shows will ever be the same

[MOTHER]

My first pioneer will be President Polk

I know he'd be a good leader of the wagon

[FATHER]

Good job now, dear, that's what we're goin for

You'd be extra careful not to kill him

[SON]

I think I would use my mom and dad's names of course

So I'll make sure they'll never get divorced

[FATHER]

That might be too much information

But hey, it's great to have a personal connection

[DAUGHTER]

I would make my family rich

They'd be bankers from New York

[FATHER, spoken]

Good.

[SON]

Richie, Johnny, Emily and Peter and Sue

Their bank fell down and now they're poor

[FATHER]

That's great kids

Keep up the good work

[MOTHER]

Hey, Grandpa

What would your names be?

[GRANDPA]

Oh, well let me tell ya:

Dick-suck, Dickface, Hairytit, and Dr. Buttnugget

[FATHER, spoken]

Grandpa, the hell is that supposed to mean?

[GRANDPA, spoken]

What?

They're names!

[FATHER, spoken]

Hairytit?

Grandpa, you're seeing a bad example for our pioneers here

You're going to make them think it's a good idea to name their wagon party stupid things

[GRANDPA, spoken]

Well, they should

[ALL]

We are gone to Oregon

It's the greatest family vacation

It'll bring us together

Couldn't think of nothin better

Hey! Time for some family fun

On the trail to Oreg-un

[FATHER, spoken]

Okay pioneers, what do you say?

What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Jack Bauer!

[FATHER, spoken]

Jack Bauer?

I like the sound of that!

(sung)

I'm Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois

All my skills will be useless on the trail

My beautiful family is counting on me

A lot of pressure, I can't afford to fail

(spoken)

Alright pioneers, now what would you like to name your wagon mother?

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Slippery-When-Wet!

[FATHER, spoken]

Oh, that is Slippery-When-Wet

That is super sexy

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Yeah!

[MOTHER]

I'm Slippery-When-Wet and I'm a mother of two

Could've been a banker, guess a farmer will do

Why did you get to choose?

[FATHER, spoken]

Well honey, I don't know if you know this but, uh, I wrote the show

That's just how this one goes

[MOTHER, spoken]

Yeah, but we're not going to get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers

[FATHER, spoken]

Alright, honey!

Well, no wagon party is complete without a litter of youngins

The eldest of which is Slippery-When-Wet and Jack Bauer's teenage daughter

What would you like to name her?

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Mouthface!

[DAUGHTER, spoken]

Mouthface? I'll take it!

[FATHER, spoken]

And what about our all-American son with a face of an apple pie?

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Craphole!

[SON, spoken]

Craphole? That sounds nice!

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Yeah!

[SON]

Craphole, yeah that's me

I'm seven and I'm male

[DAUGHTER]

Mouthface, is what my friends call me

I'm lookin for love on the trail

[SON, spoken]

Ew gross!

[DAUGHTER, sung]

I hope you're bit by a snake!

[SON]

I hope you break your back!

[FATHER]

Hey, I found wild fruit!

[SON]

Pay attention, Dad!

[DAUGHTER]

We gonna stop at the forts?

[FATHER]

I forgot to shave

[MOTHER]

Did we bring enough food?

[GRANDPA]

Can I write on Grandpa's grave?

[MOTHER]

Everyone just behave!

[FATHER]

Because it's only a game

[ALL]

It's only a game

I guess it's only a game

The Trail To Oregon is nothing but a game

We'll be there soon in Oreg-oon

Honestly it beats milking cow tits

We could be in the kitchen

Doing something with a chicken

But we couldn't give less of a crap

Cause we're making it to Oreg-ap

[FATHER, spoken]

Alright, pioneers - let's get a move on

[GRANDPA, spoken]

Hey, wait a minute you shicken-kit son of a bitch!

You forgot my name!

[FATHER, spoken]

How could I forget?

What would you like to name our lovely grandpa?

["AUDIENCE", spoken]

Titty-mitty!

[GRANDPA, spoken]

Titty-mitty?!

I like that name

[FATHER, spoken]

Of course you do

[ALL, sung]

It's time to run to Oreg-un

It's too late to change the show now

You could go next door

And see something professional

We wouldn't blame you a bit

If you're sitting through this Ore-shit

We're Broadway bound in Oreg-ound

Cause there's no Broadway in Chicago

Who will forget their name

And who will get the YouTube fame?

These are questions to ask

When you're playing Oreg-ask...

It's more than a game...

Life is really great...

On the trail to Oreg-ate