[Spoken Intro]

Hey baby, uh, it's me

Um, our anniversary's comin' up, it's a pretty big one

And, um, I wrote a song for you

So I'm just leaving you this voicemail because, um, I want the song to begin with this voicemail

Like, I want the voicemail to play at the beginning of it

So, if you could just download this voicemail when you get it and then text it to me

Um, you might need to, like, download another app to download the⁠—

I don't know if you can rip your voicemail right off your phone, you might need to, like—

Just Google it, don't call me and ask me

'Cause I know, I know what you're gonna do

You're gonna, you're gonna get this

And you're gonna think you just can't do it

And you're gonna call me, but then I'm just gonna Google it

So, just you Google it, you're an adult, you can figure it out

Um, so just, figure it out and text me the voicemail

Um, immediately, if you wouldn't mind

Like, right when you get this

Thank you, um, I love you, bye

[Verse 1]

You're my best friend, I love you (Love you)

You know me and I know you (Know you)

We got problems that we've been through (Been through)

We got shit that we'll get through, uh

You think I'm rude to you

You think I am the worst

Because I ask when you suck my dick

You take out your Invisalign first

Come on

[Chorus]

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

[Verse 2]

We order Chinese, I'm eating my dumplings

You reach over and you take my dumpling

You don't even say, "Do you mind?" or nothing

Why would you assume that you're entitled to a dumpling?

So I look at you, you look back at me, like, "What the fuck did I do?"

If you really wanted some dim sum, then

You really should've gotten some when we put in the order

You say, "You're a psycho and I-I don't wanna fight

So, let's just drop this, it's not a big deal"

"Okay, but for the record

You owe me a dumpling, I mean it, I won't forget

You owe me a dumpling or a dumpling equivalent"

[Chorus]

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

[Verse 3]

We found a spider in the house

You freaked and you jumped up onto the couch

Since I was close and able

I jumped up on the coffee table

You said, "You should kill that"

I said, "Um, no, fuck that"

You said, "Come on, be a man"

What?

You're a total anti-sexist, a patriarchy fighter

But your whole worldview collapses

The moment there's a spider, cool

I get it, this is the real you

It's a pleasure, nice to meet you

Shit like this brings the movement down

Everyone's a feminist until there is a spider around

[Chorus]

Five years, five years

Still you, still me, still here

Five years, five years, baby

Five years, five years

[Outro]

How come every time I need to take a poo in the bathroom

You out of the blue need to use the bathroom?

Just use the guest room bathroom

That's why we got two bathrooms

Just use the guest room bathroom

That's why we got two bathrooms

And you know