Bo Burnham goes on a sexist tirade about “sluts” for many lines until the poem shifts to reveal that he has been hurt by one of these so-called “sluts.”

This poem touches on how female sexuality can be… Read More [Intro]

Thank you for all being here on a Friday, I know there's lots of places you can be on a Friday, so I appreciate you taking the time

to be with me, it does truly mean a lot

I would like to, erm, do a, uh, love poem right now, since it's sort of early in the show, um

I warn you, it is sappy and romantic so, um, I'll get it out of the way now and then I'll go back to the, uh, the dirty stuff that everyone loves or whatever

Um, okay, it's called "I Fuck Sluts"

[Verse 1]

Sluts! Sluts! (It's not a role call, but thank you)

Sluts, I fuck sluts

Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts

No ifs and’s, and/or buts. I fuck sluts

I fuck sluts

Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-sucking

They'll need a serene night to green-light a butt fucking

But that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking

Boo to the nice girls. Praise be to slut fucking!

[Verse 2]

I have a list. A list?

Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed

I've never fucked or sucked these sluts

And thus my nuts are fucking pissed

So, when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list

Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking

Suck it slut, slut fucking bucket-list

[Interlude]

Yes, you hear the influences, Chaucer-- The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you?

[Verse 3]

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond

They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones

Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh

With their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash (Excuse me)

[Verse 4]

CD people are confused

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart

These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart

They can talk about science, music, or art

They can put you together or they can pull you apart

But don't trust these sluts, don't, don't you dare

They'll force you to trust them and love them and care

And then they'll be gone and then you'll be aware

Of that hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there

[Skit]

Thank you very much.

So, you see, he was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken. We all learned something

Um, I know that that bit in particular was a little bit dense, a little bit hard to follow, and I want to be able to do something that's easier to follow, and you can probably get it in the first listen, so I want to do a slower joke for you

Here's a slow joke:

What did the ear of corn say when its clothes fell off?

"Aw, shucks!"

Get it?

Like "shucks" as in shucking corn and also "shucks" the exclamation?

Am I right?

Something for everybody

Um, my father recently told me that I act too gay on stage, and I said, "Really dad? Prove it!"

For those of you listening, I threw confetti, flamboyantly

[Outro]

He said, "What about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it?"

I said, "I haven't written that joke yet, cause it's based off of this conversation! Gotcha!"