[Album Version Intro]

There's things I don't wanna be misconstrued in my act that I feel often are. I don't want you leaving my show thinking that I think I know better than people, or that I think that I'm better than people in general, um. Okay, I just, wanted to put that out there. Uh, this is a song from the perspective of God

[Verse 1]

The books you think I wrote are way too thick

Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn't be a dick?

And I don't watch you when you sleep

Surprisingly, I don't use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep

[Chorus]

You're not going to heaven

Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you?

None of you are going to heaven

There's a trillion aliens cooler than you

[Verse 2]

You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to

You shouldn't rape 'cause rape is a fucked up thing to do

Pretty obvious, just don't fucking rape people, please

Didn't think I had to write that one down for ya

I don't think masturbation is obscene

It's absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen

You make my job a living hell

I sent gays to fix overpopulation, and boy, did that go well

[Chorus]

You're not going to heaven

Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns

None of you are going to heaven

You're not my children, you're a bad game of Sims

[Verse 3]

You shouldn't abstain from pork just 'cause you think that I want you to

You can eat pork 'cause why the fuck would I give a shit?

I created the universe, think I'm drawing the line at the fuckin' deli aisle?

You argue and you bicker and you fight

Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night

Over what they think is true

But no one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you

[Chorus]

You pray so badly for heaven

Knowing any day might be the day that you die

But maybe life on earth could be heaven

Doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

[Bridge]

My love's the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it

You won't need it

My love's the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it

You won't need it

[Outro]

I'm not gonna give you love just 'cause I know that you want me to

If you want love then the love has gotta come from you

Thank you very much