It's lovely to see so many familiar faces in the audience

There's John. Yes, John

Sarah. Nice to see you, Sarah

Claire!

Linda. JoAnn. JoAnn & Linda, always together

Martin

You know who's not here?

No

Jane

Jane?

Jane

Jane?

Yes, you know Jane

Jane with the G & the Y in her name?

No, Jane with the G that's married to Jim

What? Bearded Jim with the hat?

That's him. So Jane-

Jane?

Yes, you know Jane

With the feet & the fingers

No, that's not her name. That's June

That's June?

Yes it is

Not true, that lady is Mary & neighbors June

Then who am I thinking of?

Well I don't know

Is her name Dot?

Or it might be Jo

No, Jo is the one with the dodgy leg and the hairless cat

Am I thinking of Anne?

Anne? (x 8)

I don't know an Anne

Of course you do, from down the road

That's Anne, that lady at number four with the rabbit

And the dog with a manky paw?

No the dog with the manky paw is Jane's

With a Y? No, an I & a Mexican J

Like [Yane]?

Who's [Yane]?

But it's spelled like Jane

What? Jane with a G?

No, a silent K

Oooh, Jane!

Jane

Jane

Jane

How could I forget Jane?

Jane with the teeth & the tongue in her name

That's Jane (x2)

With the African A

No, that Jane doesn't have an African A

You must be thinking of someone else

Sometimes I really do confuse myself

So anyway, Jane was talking to John

What? Brown Long John?

No, John John John

Oh, John John John at the hardware store

With his claw for hand & his legs are too small?

No, that's John John at the hardware store

So who's John John John? Have I seen him before?

You must've done, he's been round for years

Oh, I know him with the weird shaped ears

Like a tiny leaf stuck on to his head. Yes, I know that John

No, that John's dead

...

Well, he had his time. That John was getting on for 99

Oh, 99? Didn't he do well considering

He's deaf & gave off a weird smell

So anyway, Jane was talking to John

And told him their affair had gone on for too long

Jane was sleeping with John John John?

I could have sworn she was dating Patchwick Don

No Patchwick Don is married to Anne

With a messy front garden & a rusty van

Rusty Anne at number four with a rabbit & the dog

With a manky paw?

No, the dog with the manky paw is Jane's

With a Y?

No, an I. That's a different Jane

So Jane was sleeping John John John

And told him their affair had gone on for too long

That's right (x2)

Oh, thank God for that

I must tell Mary

Oh, Mary with the cat?

Yeah, Mary with the cat. Such a lovely cat

Mary with the cat who neighbors June?

Not Dot or Jo, whose weight has ballooned

Hasn't she grown? She doesn't look the same

As she did when I first met her at that party of Janes

So anyway, Jane with F

And the I?

Wanted me to tell you that she says Hi!