September 18, 2010

In 1982, the CD was designed to hold up to 74 minutes of music, to ensure that Beethoven's Ninth could fit all on one disc. In 2005, YouTube comments were given a three-character minimum, to ensure that people could reply to a video with "lol"October 10, 2010

"Please consider the environment before printing this email." What a self-important email signature! I wasn't GOING to print your email. All you said is there are muffins in the work room.January 24, 2011

The first day of school, a lot of teachers spend the whole period talking about themselves. That's 45 mintues—is that really the size of their ego? Me, I spend the whole first week talking about myself.May 18, 2011

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I have a nightmare where I own a cat.

Nothing bad happens; I just don't like the responsibility.August 24, 2011

YOU COULDN'T AFFORD COLLEGE, YOU TOOK A NIGHT CLASS

YOU MADE A CLAY DILDO, AND SHOVED IT UP YOUR ASS

POTTERY'S GAY

this is #4 in an ongoing series titled Anal Cunt Lyrics Written in All CapsAugust 24, 2011

YOU'RE GAY AND IN A COMA

YOU'RE A FRUIT AND A VEGETABLE

this is #6 in an ongoing series titled Anal Cunt Lyrics Written in All CapsAugust 27, 2011

Hurricane Irene is HERE and with a force strong enough to water somebody's plants. I'm glad the county government sent me all those warning emails.August 27, 2011

I learned today that the difference between a hurricane and a regular old rain storm is a bunch of emails from your county government.August 27, 2011

I could easily drown to death in hurricane irene if i were both planking and paralyzedAugust 27, 2011

if i didnt listen to the news or talk to people i would have no way of knowing this was a hurricaneAugust 27, 2011

first "duck and cover," then plastic sheets and duct tape for 9/11, now "buy a portable radio and move your outdoor furniture inside and fill your bathtub with water and update your emergency plan and stay away from windows and have evaporated milk on hand" for thisAugust 27, 2011

basically if the government has any moral compass they will reimburse everybody who bought a single supply of any kind in preparation for this weekendAugust 27, 2011

EARLIER TODAY TRAGEDY BEFELL A WOMAN WHO WAS OUTSIDE WALKING HER DOG AND GOT SLIGHTLY WETAugust 27, 2011

you shouldnt make fun of the hurricane when right this instant literally millions of people are looking out their window and seeing trees gently swayAugust 27, 2011

between the visuals and sounds of hurricane irene, it's basically the real-life version of those white noise generators you play to help you fall asleepAugust 27, 2011

I understand it now. When that song says "rock you like a hurricane," they mean "gently caress you with a cool breeze."August 27, 2011

I was outside on the patio for 15 minutes. With the low temperature and gentle breeze, this is actually the best weather we've had in months.August 27, 2011

i think that one mosquito last week did more damage to me than hurricane ireneAugust 28, 2011

It's a fact:

Al Green has an album called "Al Green Gets Next To You."

And ON THIS ALBUM, the title of the FIRST SONG is "I can't get next to you."August 30, 2011

"You can do anything that you want to / but you can't leave until we're through."

I always wanted to go to a Run-DMC concert. Just so I could walk out in the middle of that line.September 5, 2011

If you're going to commit suicide you have an obligation to make a spectacle out of it.

Not one that inconveniences innocent strangers. Don't delay a train by jumping on the tracks. But make it a benefit to people who are interested. Kill yourself in a spectacular way in front of cameras. Have a friend upload it around the internet. Write a really long and stylized suicide note. I'll edit copy for you!September 20, 2011

true story:

years ago, one of my students was trying to write "chinese tutorer" on her resume, not realizing that tutorer wasn't a word. she went with ms word's first suggestion, printed it, and handed it in.

i didn't know all of that when i looked at her resume and saw under job experience that she was once a "chinese torturer" for 2 years.September 21, 2011

"From now on I'm going to make all of my facebook posts be quotes, and they'll all be from me."

—Wallid FieldingSeptember 21, 2011

"Earlier today I got a comment on a website I write for saying I was the guy's favorite writer on the site. It cheered me up for a couple of hours but now I'm depressed again."

—Wallid FieldingSeptember 21, 2011

"I don't want to go to Back To School Night tomorrow."

—Wallid FieldingOctober 9, 2011

Condoms exist that are made of sheep intestines.

But why not just skip the middle man and have sex with a live sheep's intestines? Yeah, get up in those guts!October 13, 2011

Guys, just because your girl is bleedy, doesn't mean you can't lick on it. Make your girl happy. (Waldfield PSA)October 18, 2011

DONT YOU JUST LOVE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE FB POSTSOctober 18, 2011

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said "THE DEVIL IS PRO ABORTION."

Why would he be! Unborn souls go to limbo, not hell. He in no way benefits from abortions.October 18, 2011

Not that it matters what satan's political ideologies are! He has no sway.

(Ex-convicts aren't allowed to vote.)November 7, 2011

If you kill someone who owns a parrot, after you're done repeatedly say "No John, don't do it!" That way, the police will blame it on some guy named John.November 11, 2011

I wonder if Hitler realized just how profound an impact he would one day have on the video game industry.November 12, 2011

In fact, when IGN makes its list of the most influential people in the video game industry, Hitler should probably be number 3 after Shigeru Miyamoto and Nolan Bushnell.November 22, 2011

Somebody sent like 6 questions to my formspring about The Muensters. Person, if you're reading this: I don't watch, care about, or know how to spell The Muensters.December 6, 2011

"Life is a highway / I'm gonna ride it all night long"

Really an upbeat song considering the lyrics imply he's going to die in the morningDecember 11, 2011

I first heard the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke in kindergarten. Why would anybody tell it to a kindergartner? Kids barely understand regular humor at that age; they hardly have a chance of getting meta-humor.December 19, 2011

I think I'm going to go donate some money to charity and maybe volunteer in a soup kitchen later on.

(I just friend requested somebody I knew like 10 years ago and I want to appear to be a good person.)December 30, 2011

I'm going to make a movie that will trick everyone into thinking it was adapted from a novel. Because during the opening sequence, there will be a minute-long voiceover describing how the scenery looks.