Ladies, for argument's sake let us say

that I've seen my fair share of ding-a-ling, member and jock,

of todger and nudger and percy and cock, of tackle,

of three-for-a-bob, of willy and winky; in fact,

you could say, I'm as au fait with Hunt-the Salami

as Ms M Lewinsky - equally sick up to here

with the beef bayonet, the pork sword, the saveloy,

love-muscle, night-crawler, dong, the dick, prick,

dipstick and wick, the rammer, the slammer, the rupert,

the shlong. Don't get me wrong, I've no axe to grind

with the snake in the trousers, the wife's best friend,

the weapon, the python - I suppose what I mean is,

ladies, dear ladies, the average penis - not pretty ...

the squint of its envious solitary eye ... one's feeling of

pity ...