[Intro]

Ayy, what's going on, man?

It's your boy, Lil Dicky

AKA Mr Leftward-Sloping Penis

I got a story for y'all, man

Peep this

Yes sir! A'ight, let's go

[Verse 1]

Now I been dating this girl named Katie, she hot as hell

And her body crazy, vagina shaven and it don't smell

And I don't fall for chickens

But this one a little different, body sickening

Plus, she really good at making breaded chicken

Got me thinkin she the one, man

Even fully clothed, shawty really fun man

Get a lotta hoes, but none of those come close

I swear this the most that I've felt so damn exposed

Oh yeah there's one more thing

And I know this shit gonna sound insane

But I still haven't hit it

I admit it, I wish I was kidding

Never been up inside before

Because she's only fucked one guy before

And though I really wanna boink this whore

She my sweetie 3.14

So I'm stayin patient and masturbating

And now my heart is sorta racing

Cause she said tonight will be the night we do some fornicating

Hell yeah, I'm down, I'm 'bout to go all out

I'm gonna pound that crazy, like an elaborate black man handshake

But on the way to crib, we pass this kid

And he seem to know who Katie is

So I say "Who this?" and she say

"Dicky, this is my ex-boyfriend Jim!"

[Chorus 1]

And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type

But as I'm looking at this dude, I can't believe my eyes

'Cause he's the best looking guy that I've seen in my whole life

He's got the thickest head of hair, chiseled jaw, an egregious bod

Man, this the closest thing I've seen to a Grecian god

And now I'm lookin at my chick, cause his dick's been inside her raw (fuck that!)

Aw, damn

[Verse 2]

Man this is crazy

I can't believe this guy used to fuck my lady

I bet he left that pussy ravaged like Haiti

Katie's hugging and squeezing his shoulder blades

And I'm buggin and queasy, this ain't okay

And then they say, "Let's get drinks" so I say "Okay"

Even though I was about to get laid!

Man this muhfucker look like Ashton

Combined wit a lil Hugh Jackman

In other words, he's so damn attractive

So damn tan, he gotta have a little black in him

Now I'm in the back wit him, sippin on some 'gnac wit him

And he payin for it all, he investment banking

I'm acting like I ain't distracted

But I'm reenacting him and Katie bangin'

And now I'm feelin' pissed, so I go and take a piss

Midstream, I look left and guess who it is

And I had to see, and I was mad discreet

And I got on my tippy toes and I took a little peek

"Oh my god becky, look at that cock!"

[Chorus 2]

And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type

But as I'm lookin at his dick, I can't believe me eyes

Because he's got the biggest cock that I've seen in my whole life

And now I'm starin at this dude's soft dick with a lot of hate

Because the shit is plus 8 like Jon and Kate

And I don't know if I can date my girl after tonight

Aw, damn

[Verse 3]

I don't know what to do, dude's dick is really huge

I didn't realize a penis could be so smooth

I know she's missing that, my penis isn't that

I'm looking closer, I think that his dick has abs

Six pack on a dick, now what the fuck is that?

It's so long and thick, It's like a punching bag

I'm saying it's so shaven, head is amazing

Got my dick looking like a raisin

Skin tone insane, man he's hung like Saddam Hussein, it's crazy

What the fuck should I do?

He gotta Ruth's Chris dick, and mine's a drive-thru....

I think it's time to tell Katie my goodbyes

'Cause I simply can't survive

After seeing what was in between his thighs

So I tell her

[Chorus 3]

"That this dude's got a dick that I don't comprehend

I had to move my neck to see it end to end

I mean the physics of his dick just don't make any sense

And I think it's for the best if this comes to an end

Because the sex with him must have been the best

And I would say let's just be friends

But I think I would just think about his dick all the time, so goodbye"

Then she told me, "Dicky, I don't really know what to say

Because I dated this dude in the second grade

So I don't know about his dick, now let's go home and get you laid"

[Outro]

And then I took her to my crib, and you know that we belly slapped

And I gave her an O like I was selling crack

And when I came, I pulled out and nutted all over her left thigh

And upper mid-section region, you can call that the pelvis

Some would even call that the pubic bone

Leave the pubes at home, making this up on the spot

Fuck you know about it?

I'm about to go papier-mâché my dick and ride it

Aw, fuck, I think I just actually said I was about to make a papier-mâché version of my own dick and ride it

And I could understand how that, that could sound gay

But, like, you gotta realize that I was just freestylin'

So like I wasn't really in control of what I was sayin'

And, I mean, 'cause it ain't me, I, I

Real rap I am about to papier-mâché my dick, I won't even lie about that

I got, you know, the ingredients is right in front of me like laid out

Like, no bullshit, newspaper

I don't even know what the fuck you would call that shit, putty I guess

It's about to get real sexual up in here, huh

But I am not gon' ride it, that, that ain't me

I mean that's how I free, it came off the, the, the brain

Yeah, you know, if I, if I was thinkin' that then it is what it is but I, I, I ain't gon' act on it

Heh, you know what I'm sayin', I ain't gonna act on that shit

But I am about to put that shit on the wall, though

The, uh, the papier-mâché, cast mold of my dick, so, there's that

All right, holla at me