[Verse 1]

Welcome to the internet! Have a look around

Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found

We've got mountains of content, some better, some worse

If none of it's of interest to you, you'd be the first

[Verse 2]

Welcome to the internet! Come and take a seat

Would you like to see the news or any famous women's feet?

There's no need to panic; this isn't a test, haha

Just nod or shake your head, and we'll do the rest

[Verse 3]

Welcome to thе internet! What would you prefеr?

Would you like to fight for civil rights or tweet a racial slur?

Be happy! Be horny! Be bursting with rage!

We've got a million different ways to engage

[Verse 4]

Welcome to the internet! Put your cares aside

Here's a tip for straining pasta; here's a nine-year-old who died

We've got movies and doctors and fantasy sports

And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings of all the different characters in Harry Potter fucking each other

[Verse 5]

Welcome to the internet! Hold on to your socks

'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you photos of his cock

They are grainy and off-putting; he just sent you more

Don't act surprised, you know you like it, you whore

[Verse 6]

See a man beheaded, get offended, see a shrink

Show us pictures of your children, tell us every thought you think

Start a rumor, buy a broom, or send a death threat to a boomer

Or DM a girl and groom her, do a Zoom or find a tumor in your—

Here's a healthy breakfast option, you should kill your mom

Here's why women never fuck you; here's how you can build a bomb

Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz

Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids

[Chorus]

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?

A little bit of everything all of the time?

Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime

Anything and everything, all of the time

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?

A little bit of everything all of the time?

Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime

Anything and everything, all of the time

[Interlude]

You know, it wasn't always like this

[Bridge]

Not very long ago, just before your time

Right before the towers fell, circa '99

This was catalogs, travel blogs, a chatroom or two

We set our sights and spent our nights waiting

For you!

You, insatiable you

Mommy let you use her iPad; you were barely two

And it did all the things we designed it to do

Now, look at you! Oh, ha, look at you!

You, you! Unstoppable, watchable

Your time is now; your inside's out; honey, how you grew

And if we stick together, who knows what we'll do?

It was always the plan to put the world in your hand

[Break]

(*Laughs*)

[Chorus]

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?

A bit of everything all of the time?

Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime

Anything and everything, all of the time

Could I interest you in everything all of the time?

(Anything and everything)

A little bit of everything all of the time?

(Anything and everything)

Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime

(Anything and everything)

Anything and everything and anything and everything

And anything and everything and

All of the time