(Spoken)

Schaffer:

Hello. Schaffer

Erin:

Hi, I'm Erin

Schaffer:

Erin? It's a pleasure to meet you Erin

Erin:

Oh, likewise! I'm a big, big fan!

And let me just say, you we're amazing tonight!

Schaffer:

Aww. Thank you so much. You're far too kind

Erin:

Oh, I mean it. I think you're incredible!

Schaffer:

I truly appreciate that. It's been a pleasure meeting you

Now could you excuse me for just a moment...

Erin:

Of course, Mr. Schaffer

Schaffer:

Thank you...

(Rap)

Now, when I came and shook your hand

Did you get the feeling that

You'd been introduced to a nice man? And

Did my eye contact and winning smile leave you disarmed?

Were you taken by my charm?

Well, it was all bull-shit

Oooh, Snap!

My nice guy act is just that, an act

You sap!

You're a savvy as a child

God, I wear a sheep suit tailored for a wild dog

As I hawk an "Aww Shucks" routine which you've been buyin

The Trojan horse bait'n switch

Which behind, I hide a vile id driven demon

With no remorse or feelins'

Only give a shit about one guy

And he is me and I

Can't stand my friends, don't respect my fans

I'm a devil on another level

You can't understand

Such a cad I oughta rock a fanny pack and a doo rag

Ooh man, I'm a total douche bag

Yeah

And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so

You're really so nice! Right, Bro?"

No, I'm a bad man

I'm a very bad man, (Hah, ha)

I'm a very very bad bad man

And all my people see only what they wanna see

Trust me, you don't wanna trust me

'Cause, see, I'm a bad man

I'm a very bad man, (Suckers!)

I'm a very very bad bad man

Look you in the eye and I will chuckle while you weep

Spend the night and I'll slip dollars out your wallet while you sleep

I'll take a sex tape

Maybe one that me and an ex made

Digitize it, get it on the internet the next day

Call her up and ask her if she wants to get back together

Whatever she says I'll giggle that her sister was better

Never keep a secret, nor an allegiance

And, yeah, I'll gladly do a dance around a paraplegic

Children scream in fear when I'm near I'm guessin' maybe it's

'Cause I explain the Santa myth to little kids I baby sit

I don't believe in god, I won't ever go to heaven

And I think I might've even had a hand in 9/11

And I got a lot of...

Hey, wait, whoa, what?

Too soon?

Quit your crying

Boo Hoo

You don't like it?

Screw you

And you too, all of you

You fell for a trick

You're even worse than me, 'cause you admire me

And I'm a prick!

And everybody I've ever met begins to cry

They realize I'm not a nice guy and that

I'm a bad man

I'm a very bad man

I'm a very very bad bad man

And every friend and fan I've ever had is very sad

They've all been had by a bad scam

Damn, I'm a bad man!

I'm a very bad man

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh, BadMan!

I've never paid a compliment I actually meant

You know I've never done a thing without malicious intent

'Cause I'm detestable, despicable

My ways'll make you sick until

You can't believe you ever spoke to me

I'm a miserable back stabber

And all of my colleagues are bad rappers

Diss 'em to their fans

Heckle them mad

And ask 'em, "What's the matter?"

Crack an AIDs joke all of y'all'll call appalling

I punched an eight year old in the mouth

For talking during Wall-E

While I'm making great joy

I toy with other people's lives

Cheatin' on my marriage with my best friend's wife

I relish breaking bad news to rooms of cancer patients

Explain to babies where they come from

With some illustrations

One day you'll heed these words and stay away from me

But for now your all just fawning fans who buy my CDs

I'm a cheat, a thief, a user

You know this is true

Or is it?

'Cause I'm kind of a compulsive liar, too

And all the people go, "Please just say it isn't so

You're really so nice! Right, Bro?"

No, I'm a bad man

I'm a very bad man, (You gonna cry?)

I'm a very very bad bad man

And all my people see only what they wanna see

Trust me, you don't wanna trust me

'Cause, see, I'm a bad man

I'm a very bad man, (Fuck you...)

I'm a very very bad bad man

Erin:

Ah... Oh - kay...