[WAITER]

I am so sorry, Madam

We have no decaf latte mocchaniños

With soy milk

Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Fine. Skip the soy

[WAITER]

What can I say?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

I said fine. Regular is f—

[WAITER]

That's not the problem, Madam

The problem isn't just the soy

You see

It's more than just the soy

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Yeah, so?

[WAITER]

I couldn't be more sorry, madam

But sad to say, the fact is

That not only do we have no soy—

[PAUL, spoken]

Oh, boy

[CLAUDIA]

Don't tell me that

[CLAUDIA, spoken & WAITER]

You have no mocha– We have no mocha

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Then just a decaf latte, I don't–

[WAITER]

We're also out of latte

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

What?

[WAITER]

We do expect a little latte later

But we haven't got a lotta latte now

[RAFFAEL, spoken]

You can't be out of lattе

That would mean you're out of milk

[WAITER]

Sir, not only are wе out of milk

We're out of cream

We're out of half-and-half

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

The caffe latte without the lat–

[WAITER]

We're also out of caf

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Not even de–?

[WAITER]

Is that a laugh?

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

All right then, tea

Twining's Earl Grey

Bag on the side

[WAITER]

Ah, yes, well

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Don't tell me–

[WAITER]

I am so sorry, Madam

I do apologize

It's unforgivable

I'm so embarrassed

But not only are we out of Earl Grey

We're out of Earl Green

We're out of Earl Red and Blue

And everything in between

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever–

[WAITER]

I apologize profusely, Madam

But we're shit out of tea

Today

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

You've gotta be kidding

[WAITER]

Je suis désolé

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Fine. Diet Coke with lem–

[WAITER]

Madam, if I may

I forgot to say

By the way

We have no Coke

We have no Sprite

We have no Mountain Dew

No Fresca Lite

And I should add, although I do

Regret it:

If you're thinking beer or wine

Forget it

[LEO, spoken]

Yeah, let's just order

Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron

[WAITER, spoken]

Excellent choice

[MARIANNE, spoken]

I've changed my mind about manna

I crave huevoth rancheroth

[WAITER, spoken]

A thuperb thelection

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

I'll do the blood pudding

Make it vampiric

[WAITER, spoken]

Nice

[RAFFAEL, spoken]

I will have the curried goat hash

[WAITER, spoken]

Ah, bah, splendid

[PAUL, spoken]

Do I want the Malay duck?

[WAITER, spoken]

It is an unparalleled experience

[PAUL, spoken]

Done

[FRITZ, spoken]

I'm gonna go basic

A cheeseburger, medium

That's California medium

Only pink around the edges

[LEO, spoken]

Just bring the shit, will you?

We're starving!

[WAITER, spoken]

Ah, yes

Well, perhaps I should have mentioned

[LEO, spoken]

What?

[WAITER]

I am so sorry, sir, but

We're out of abalone omelettes

Although I have to say they are delicious

And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them

But we don't

[LEO, spoken]

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium–

[WAITER]

Nor have we any hash

Never mind the curried goat

And wait, I made a note

Oh yes, the huevos–

Nada, sorry

Right, who had the duck?

You're out of luck

[PAUL, spoken]

Fuck

[WAITER]

As for the, blech, blood pudding

Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway

[MARIANNE, PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA, FRITZ & RAFFAEL, spoken]

What do you have? It's false advertising!

I want to talk to a manager! Let's go to another restaurant

I cannot eat in this condition!

[WAITER]

Oh

On behalf of the entire management and staff

And international consortium

That owns and operates the Café Everything

I can't apologize enough

I just may go and kill myself

That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself

I'd rather kill myself

Than have to tell you

We're completely out of food

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

How rude

[RAFFAEL, spoken]

No?

[WAITER]

Of any kind

[MARIANNE, spoken]

Well, never mind

[WAITER]

I should have given you some warning

But it's been a very busy morning

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Then why the hell did you take our orders?

[WAITER, spoken]

Madam, that's my job

I'll go check on that water

[PAUL, spoken]

I thought he wanted to kill himself

[LEO, spoken]

Café Nada, they oughta call it

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Hey! Could you make that sparkling?

[MARIANNE, spoken]

What in the world was that?

[FRITZ, spoken]

That was a gunshot

[CLAUDIA, spoken]

Because I asked for sparkling?

Why don't we go to Bistro à la Mode?

It's French deconstructivist cuisine

[LEO, spoken]

Well, back to square one

Everybody into the car